WARNING! This post will be talking about my healing and childhood trauma. This post may make you feel some type of way, please respect my place.
FYI: I am not here to tell you who you should believe in, it is NOT my mission to instill a certain religion or higher power. However, I do encourage you to seek a higher power because you can’t do it alone.
I’ve been called so many times by God to share my story and help heal others, teach others, and give others hope in their life. I’ve felt this way for the past 10 years or so and each time the call gets louder and my purpose gets clearer each time. This past May, I decided to follow the voice and take a plunge and serve others beyond fitness. I am so proud of myself for staying commited this time, showing up and taking some type of action like, investing in this website, logo’s, personal development, and recently a hefy price tag course. Something told me to do this at the very last minute and I did and I am so proud that I did. Stepping out into the unknown is super scary and fun at the same time.
I am learning tools to heal with love and learn from wounds, past 4-5 years I have taken responsibility for my shit because the poor pitiful me didn’t look cute anymore. Some of the things I had to work on was co-dependency of feeling accepted by others, and mostly my astranged family, learn to love myself, believe in myself, and I had to get to the core of where it was coming from, and that was the childhood trauma I have experience during the first two and half decades of my life.
See, I wasn’t going to share my childhood trauma with my wounds wide open for the world to see, if I was going to share my story; I was going to do it I wanted to be a victor instead of a victim.
I thought I was done sorting all of that out, and I was wrong.
This is where it’s going to get real… brace yourself.
Everytime I open my mouth to speak, I choke, I shake, I stutter, my chest hurts, my brain melts, I think crazy thoughts and I knew where it was coming from, I just wasn’t ready for it yet. You should see the stack of content and wisdom that I want to talk about with you, but my fear of speaking has held me back these last few years. But God kept hounding me to fix this.
I was never allowed to communicate growing up. Everything I said was a lie. I would sit in my room all day every day for years and barely spoke. The only speaking I was doing was in my head the prayers and wishes of a child who was scared the f to death. I was told to sit down and shut up, I had no one or body to talk to because there was no one there. I would sit down with my siblings for dinner and we could not talk, our heads were facing the plate. I didn’t speak unless I was spoken to, when I had the chance to defend myself, I was hit with objects, belts, I can’t tell you how many sprained ankles I had endured.
As you can imagine this has instilled so much fear into me to communicate, to share my opinion or defend myself. One day I came into work and I was accused of having relations with a inmate (prior C.O here) and I started stuttering and then I just bursted out in tears. I felt like this made me guilty and I was looking at them wishing they knew the reason why I was doing this, it was so bad that they sent me in for a lie detector test.
I am afraid to exspress myself, defending myself, I feel ashamed, embarrassed, judged, talked about, as an adult I write letters to get my point or truth accross to avoid feeling that way. The is the biggest reason of I love Facebook sooo much because it has allowed me to SPEAK! without feeling all that crud.
I was lead into a releasing fear activity, and thought “this is easy, I fear failure, and bla bla bla” and she said “no boo boo, we are going deep, what trauma have you faced that has prevented you from following your purpose? What is that fear?”
Okay God. I surrender.
Yikes, that just took you through a loop especially if you knew me personally. But friend let me share with you what I learned from my fear/ trauma. Man those circumstances suck I would not wish that on anyone seriously, but those times has seriously served me today. To show other people with any type of trama that you can heal, and you can go on. Don’t get me wrong IT WILL ALWAYS be there, it won’t go away but I am no longer going to let that fear or memories dictate my life anymore. God, the Universe, whomever you believe in did not design you to be fearful, He built you to love, and to serve and to teach. Love is God and God is love, and when you begin to be fearful you are disconnected from Gods love. These past years I have been living in an illusion that I can’t open my mouth and serve you in the way that God has commanded me to.
“We should be grateful for all situations that make us most uncomfortable, because without them, we would not know that there’s something unhealed in us.” -Ken Wapnick
Am I fully healed? Nope, but I know what I need to work on and I know how and when you sitting in the seat in the audiotorium watching my first gig, you’ll know I have put that fear behind me and you can too.
I love you.
“Look at your fear and bring it to the light. The more you look at your fear and the more you bring it to the light, the freer you become. The less you believe in the fear, and the more you believe in the light. –Gabbi Bernstein