Sharing my healing and what is possible when it’s done.
I came into my marriage battered, abused, and traumatized. I had no real life example of how to be a wife, to give love, or to be a decent human being. I seen that this destructive pattern was taking me further away from myself, my family, and especially my husband. I knew deep down that this was the man that I was supposed to be with, I called him into my life since I was a kid, and poof, right here in front of me. But because of what I was projected to, the enemy was forcing me to kick him to the curb so I can find misery somewhere else.
By no means I am a marriage expert, all I know is what I taught myself while healing myself which leaked into my marriage, and I feel compelled to share with women, who had an abusive upbringing, that it is possible to find peace with yourself and in your marriage.
First off, what does a marriage look like when a person enters carrying a lot of emotional scars? Hella control, my damn way or no way buddy.
Arguments which eventually leads to shutting down and numbing yourself to the whole situation.
Keeping secrets, we have our own unique ways of keeping secrets to protect ourselves or our loved ones. Twisted huh?
You are not present, I don’t know where I was at the first 8 years of my marriage, oh yea, reminding myself why I am not worthy of love…. During sex.
Addiction to something.
Overprotective, I often found myself imagining reaching for a shank if my husband thought about disciplining the kids.
Did I mention arguments? And lots of them? And half of those arguments stem from your spouse not understanding the kinda life you had prior to saying “I do”. My husband had no idea about my trauma growing up and so he didn’t know how to respond to me in a way that wasn’t a trigger for me.
If you are living this life right now, recognize the fear. Honor the fear, and realize that this is not healthy, for you or for your family, especially your spouse. Do the inner work to change this, you can! I am not going to shock you, I am going to tell you right now in the beginning it is messy, but dang! It is so worth it! I am healed! And my marriage is FINALLY healed!!! Doesn’t mean that it is a bed of roses, but least I don’t want to send him back to the farm.
So I am sharing this if you are on your healing journey or about to embark on one, or thinking about it, I want to share a few things that will make the road a little bit easier.
Marriage is a two way street, both parties must be willing to surrender to fulfill the needs of their sacred union. Strengthening your marriage means to taking an honest and raw look in the mirror and ask “how am “I” NOT contributing to my spouse’s needs?”
A few things to consider is that this time of reflection, it is not a pity party, a time to blame and point the finger , to feel guilty, or ashamed. If you catch yourself in those acts, understand that you are looking through the lens of the ego that is built to distract you and keep you away from the solution that you marriage needs. If those feelings or thoughts arise, understand that those mislabeled emotions are fueled with messages, lessons, and truth that has been waiting to be revealed.
It is often revealed that our perception (the way we view life) has been clouded by non-serving experiences and it is up to you to reveal heal, and release that false perception and allow Spirit within to guide you to a much better and loving way.
Be mindful of projection (boy did I learn the hard way about this yo). Up until your healing took place you may have been projecting your past to your spouse. Projection basically means that you are throwing up your fears and negative beliefs on to your spouse (and maybe to everyone else).
So for example many of my arguments with my husband would start when he was trying to correct the kids, when he did it a certain way it triggered my flight or fight response and I would go back to that hurt and feelings when I was being disciplined (in a unloving way) and unholy hell would break loose, because my fear I was projecting on to my husband was, “If he disciplines the kids this way, my kids will not be loved, and they will go off and do drugs and live in the streets”.
I believe projection is part of the healing process, all of that negative energy that was stored in my body for years are coming up and leaving my body. FIND a outlet!! To release what is no longer serving you, exercise, paint, journal, dance, ask your heart and it will guide you.
BE MINDFUL OF PROJECTING YOUR FEARS ON TO YOUR SPOUSE!
Is this my fear based off a negative experience I had? If the answer is yes, don’t give it to others, give it to Spirit so he or she can guide you to healing that fear.
When I recognize that I was projecting my fears, I honored it, sat in stillness to learn from it, and then communicated to my husband how I was projecting, where it was coming from, how it made me feel, and this is how he can support me in healing it. I would tell him before or after the fact the way I reacted had nothing to do with him and had everything to do with a fear that was forced upon me.
Prompt “I am releasing, learning, and healing. I need you to support me through this.”
Boo boo, you can’t do this on your own, and I am not talking about on the physical level, I am talking about a force of energy that is around us, supports us, and guides us everyday. Your Spirit, your higher power! One of the biggest things I learned about healing my life and marriage is that you must drown yourself in the spirit of love. In a God of your own understanding, You will find hope, strength, and most importantly compassion and love. It is is so easy to write your spouse off because they will never understand or they will never meet you in the middle of the journey.
Open your heart up and not your mind, I have learned while healing and opening my heart, instead of seeing the person for who they are or who they used to be, I see them for the first time and every-time through the lens of love.
With your love glasses on you see compassion because (THANK GOD) they are trying, you see forgiveness fall just like you do, you see what they could be instead of what they are.
To help you stay in flow of the river of love during your healing with yourself and marriage, is to show gratitude. Be thankful to everything, and to everyone, including the good and the bad, the rise and fall, the beauty and down right ugly.